A journey of the heart

2010-06-28T08:45:00.000-07:00

Well this is it for me :( I got the email I was dreading. My IP's have decided to move on with the recommendation of the RE. The RE feels that my uterus is just to tilted and that every time I am on the stimulation medication it will be worse. I really just don't know how to feel for I know this is it for me. I told myself I would retire. Also this weekend was an eye opener with my DH.

My DH is just really not supportive of me being a surrogate anymore. He does not want to be the family at risk for all the things that can happen when you are pregnant. We have been through a lot and I have to respect his wishes. He has been there through all of my surrogacy and I can't ask him to do anymore than that. Also things with my DD have just gotten out of control.

My DD called the police on my DH and I and said that we were assaulting her? She was the one throwing shoes, toys, and her laundry hamper at me. My DH had to restrain her for she was coming at me to attack me. She ended up attacking my DH. She scratched him, kicked him, tried to punch him. It was just awful. I really don't know what the hell is wrong with my DD. She is so rude and disrespectful. The stuff that comes out of her mouth is just awful. I really don't think a child could hate her Mother more than my DD hates me.

The police came out and talked to all of us. They ended up taking DD to her Father's house and for now that is where she is going to stay. My EX has always put in her head that I am a monster so I will just have to live with the fact that my DD think that of me. I am too tired to fight with her about nothing. I really am the only one doing anything for her at all. I took her to all of her Driver's Ed classes and paid for it. I also enrolled her in summer school which she has to attend in order to graduate H.S. I also paid for that as well. I am tired of being the only one who cares :( It really does break my heart, but I know I am a good Mom and I know I am a good person and I deserve some respect and so does my DH. I am not sure what will happen between my DD and me? I am not sure I can forgive her right now for assaulting me. I still do value a child parent relationship and I know that she can not act this way.

I guess I am just venting for my heart is breaking. Not just about my DD, and surrogacy, but about my DH as well. All of this has put a strain on our marriage and I am not sure it can be repaired. I love my DH more than anything, but he is just not happy with me :( I always thought I was a good wife, but I guess I was missing the boat.

So let's see I have failed at being a surrogate the past two times, failed with my DD, and my marriage is struggling. Let's not forget that my Grandmother just died and I was still dealing with that. I know that this too shall pass and what does not kill you will make you stronger, but geeezzzzzzzzz does it have to happen all at once.

2010-06-04T12:09:00.000-07:00

Well I finally feel good enough to post. I am so disappointed at what happen it just took the wind out of my sail. I was all set to transfer my perfect lining was waiting for those wonderful perfect embryos and wouldn't you know it my uterus was having some kind of temper tantrum and the Doctor could just not get the embryos in the place he wanted. I went in two days in a row to try to get the transfer to work. Nothing like having your legs in stir-ups for a couple of hours without any benefit :( Let me tell you it was rough and then I had to come out to the waiting room and see my IM crying. God did I feel even worse. Then of course I start to cry and our respective DH's just don't know what to do for us.

I hate disappointing people and I just don't understand why my uterus was no happy. The Doctor told me that it happen once in a while due the medication for it can make your uterus twist in a odd position. Mind you he was down in my bits and pieces telling me this information so it made it all so much better ;-)

Well on a positive note I finally got my AF and let me tell you she is dozie. So hopefully this means that we can start to cycle again real soon and get me knocked up so my IP's can have the family they are dreaming about. I am going to try acupuncture to see if it helps me with my uterus.

Not surrogacy related, but something that I am so proud of that I brag all the time about it. My DS graduated from college with a B.A in Political Science. I could not be more proud of that young man. He also got straight A's his last semester taking 18 units. WOW is all I can say.

I just know soon I will get pregnant I just need to be patient.

2010-05-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

Well things having been going well with they cycle. My lining is a wonderful 12 triple striped which per the RE is excellent :)

I met my IP's this past week and they are truly lovely people. They took me to lunch and we just had a wonderful time. My IP's are in town for my IM is doing her ER and they got 4 eggs. I know this sounds like a little, but it only takes one! At this point I am just waiting to hear when my transfer date will be. I am really hoping for Friday the 21st of May for it would be perfect for a wonderful 3 days of bed rest that will follow the transfer. I am hoping to get spoiled a bit by my DH for I really could use a break.

My DD has been better and then this weekend she just snapped again. I think it has to do with her father getting remarried, but I just don't know. I was hoping by almost 17 she would be done with all of these temper tantrums. It is so hard to get close to somebody that calls you names and treats you like dirt and this is my daughter I am talking about.

On a prouder note my oldest DS is graduating from college tomorrow. I am so excited and for him. He has made me so very proud and I just know that he will do great things in his life. A Mother could not ask for a better son.

Well wish me luck on my transfer. I am hoping to get a BFP before the end of MAY.

2010-04-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

Well the contracts are done! I have started Lupron so we are on our way :) I am so excited about getting started. At times it seems so far off, but I know that in just a few short weeks I will be transferring again. A transfer is the beginning of so many possibilities. it is an exciting, yet anxious time for everybody. Are we are are we not pregnant. I truly am hoping to get a BFP on this transfer. The RE that we are using is one that has gotten me pregnant 2 times in the past so I am very hopeful.

The IP's will be flying out from Australia next week so hopefully in a couple of weeks we can get together and meet face to face. We have spoken over the phone and emailed each other so it will be nice to put a face to the name.

I should be transferring between May 20-25th. I would like it to be May 20th, but of course I don't have any say in that!

Almost

2010-04-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

So I finally got a copy of my contract! YAY!!!!! My DH and I need to review it with the attorney, but it look pretty good so I don't think there will be too much of an issue.

I have a Doctor appt. on the the 21st of April to see how things are and if all is good I will start Lupron. I am getting very excited about starting again. Each time is just feels like so many things are possible. I really want to help this wonderful couple have a child or two. They have been so very nice and I know they are anxious to get started as I am. I also can't wait to meet them when we do the transfer. They are Australian but will be here for the transfer. It will be so nice to have them around. Sometimes when people are far away you don't get to see them that often. Not that is makes the journey less special, but it is nice to be able to talk face to face.

So on the home front things are going well. My oldest DS will be graduating College on May 19, 2010 and I am so excited. It just seems like yesterday he graduated H.S. and now college. It is so amazing to get to watch your kids grow and become adults. Sometimes is it painful, but for the most part it is worth every second and struggle being a parent.

My DD and I are getting along better and her living at her father's seems to be working out. I am upset that I keep getting blamed for everything. My Ex is getting remarried which is great, but the kids are having a hard time with it for they barely know this woman and she has kids. I know that it will be fine, but every time they don't like something it is my fault. I have board shoulders, but geezz can't I get a break. Oh well I guess that which does not kill you will make you stronger.

2010-03-31T10:59:00.000-07:00

Well I am just not much of a blogger. I want to be better, but I have TSOS. What is TSOS you ask? Well it is The Shiny Object Syndrome. If we can have Restless Leg Syndrome then why not Shiny Object Syndrome :) So as I was saying I get distracted easily and I have the best intention to post, but I just don't. So I am going to do better with my posting for I really want a record of my journey. This will be my last surrogacy (I mean it honey) so I want to make sure I enjoy every moment that I can.

On the surrogacy front I am supposed to be starting BCP on Sunday if my AF shows up on time. I am so not looking forward to going on BCP for at best BCP and I have an adversarial relationship. I of course will take them, but so not looking forward to it. I am them supposed to start injections on April 21, but so far I do not have a contract and without that nothing can happen. I am sure I will have a contract soon, but of course I have the patience of a 3 year old at a candy store. So I sit and wait each day hoping that the attorney will get in contact with me soon. I only have so much hair to pull out.

On the home front things are going well. My oldest DS will be graduating college in less than 2 months. I am just so very proud of that kid! My DD and I are getting along better. She has been hanging out at the house more and she is really trying or doing a good job of faking it. Either way I am fine with her behavior. My youngest DS is doing well and finally went out for a team sport. He is playing volleyball and he really did a great job at his game yesterday. I was just so proud to see him doing so well. The oldest DD who graduated from college 4 months ago still does not have a real job. She is looking for a job per her, but I have the feeling she is looking as hard as my abs are after nine babies.

I thought my DH was going to stroke out when DD said she wanted to be a river raft guide this summer. He went on a rant about why did we pay all this money for college and is this what you want to do with you life. DH is right, but it was still fun to watch how mad he could get ;-)

2010-03-15T08:06:00.001-07:00

Wow I can't believe it is already the middle of March!!!! I know it I say it all the time, but where does the time go?

So I believe I have been matched!!! I am so excited and looking forward to what this journey will bring. I do wish that my DH was more supportive of me being a GS again, but I know he has his reasons. I wish I could explain what being a surrogate means to me in words that he would understand. It is so hard to explain to somebody who just does not know why a surrogate does what we do. My DH has been wonderful through my other journey's so I can't complain. He is a wonderful man who will not stop me, but having his full support means would mean the world to me. Also I think that I have been fairly reasonable with the surrogacy's for I did not do them back to back and it has been almost three years since I have been pregnant.

I also know that he does not believe this will be my last journey. I am not sure how to convince him that it truly is the last time I will be a surrogate. In life you know when you are ready to move onto to something new and I know after this journey I will be ready to move onto the next phase of my life. I personally know that I want to get a tummy tuck and start to travel more.

I love being a surrogate and am looking forward to this journey, but know that I can't and don't want to do this forever.

Okay enough of my whining. My DD went to live with her father and things have been a lot better around the house. I still see her quite a bit, but for the most part she is at her Dad's. She is also doing better in school and is working hard. If living with her Dad is bring out the best in her then I am all supportive. I want my DD to be happy and successful. She is a good person I just need her to see that for herself.

2010-02-17T10:10:00.000-08:00

Well Happy belated Valentines day to all. I had a great day with my DH just hanging out and catching up on our Netflix's. My DH surprised me with 2 dozen roses delivered on Valentines Day. Since I am the worlds cheapest person I had to bite my tongue and not think about how much money the delivery change must have been on a SUNDAY! I actually just put it out of my mind and enjoyed the flowers which are still beautiful.

I am still looking into being a GS again, but it is going slow for I have not put too much time or effort into looking. I guess I was just hoping the perfect IP's would just fall out of the sky and want me as their GS. I know it is just a dream for it takes work to find a good match on both ends.

Things with me DD finally came to a head and after her throwing a milkshake on me and trying to hit me with her laptop I sent her to live with her father. I really can't have her just doing whatever she wants to whoever she wants. I will not stand for being hit or called names anymore. I found a therapist for us so I am hoping that over time we can have a good if not a great relationship and put all this nonsense behind us. For now I will take it moment by moment and see what happens. Having a troubled teenager is just so difficult. I never thought a child of mind would act like this and yet here I am with a DD that just will not listen and really does not care. I am still hopeful that this too shall pass.

Been a while

2010-02-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I posted for I really did not have any updates. I started this blog so I could update about my surrogacy journey, but now I am kind of debating what to do with my blog?

I did have a wonderful surrogacy related weekend. I drove up North about five hours from my house for a wonderful surrogate get together. I got to meet the most wonderful women and finally but some faces to the names I see on the board. The wonderful person J who put all this together is truly an amazing person and I was so glad I got to spend some quality time with her and her adorable son. It truly was a treat for me to get away from my day to day life and spend time with some incredible people. I am already looking forward to the new surrogate GTG :)

As for me on the surrogacy front nothing really new to report. I really am not sure what I am doing and this may be a sign that it is time to retire and do other things in the surrogacy world :( I know it will be difficult for me, but if it is for the best then I will accept my fate.

Work is going well and as always grateful to have a job that I like. Kids are doing well and my oldest son will be graduating from college in May. I am just so proud of that kid. I am so glad that I did not screw him up and he did not end up on the Dr. Phil show.

Happy New Year

2010-01-05T09:39:00.000-08:00

Wow it is already the New Year! 2010!!!!! How exciting. I always like to look at the beginning of the year as new beginnings that things that you thought could not get fixed can. That we don't have to carry with us the worries of last year and that going forward it is going to be great. Yes I like to do this for all of 5 minutes and then remember is is just a date and that things that happened last year or last night do not just go away just because we write a different year on our checks.

I am hoping that this is a great year. That this year I find great IP's to help and if I don't that I can be okay with the six surro babies that I helped to bring into the world. Also I am praying that my DD and I can start to have a better relationship. I am not sure why Mother and Daughters just can't get along in the teen years. Is is written somewhere for I did not get the memo. I really don't want to fight with my DD anymore. I want her to be happy and successful, but if I can't get through to her then how am I going to help?

I got to get away for a couple of days with my DH to Vegas which is always nice. It would have been a nicer trip if I had won, but you can't always comes home a winner for how would they keep building all of those casinos :)

I can't believe that in just a couple of months I will have two kids that have graduated college! Wow! it is still amazing to me that I am old enough to have kids in college let alone graduated.

Working is going well. We got sold again so I am not sure what is going to happen. I am hoping for the best and it means we get to do new and exciting things :) I like to learn new things and it is great when you are busy.

So I was wondering if this is just me of does this bother anybody else? Over the holidays somebody posted that a family was in need on our boards. They were going to have a rotten Christmas and they needed some help. Well me being the biggest bleeding heart you can ever imagine sent the kids some gifts. I did not expect anything in return, but I wanted to know if they got the gifts. I have sent a email asking if they receive the items and nothing. So I sent another email and nothing. REALLY you can not even take the time out to just send me a simple yes we go them. How hard can that be! Sorry this just makes me mad. I just want to know if you got what I sent. You don't have to thank me, you don't have to use what I send, but hey let me know!!!! Anyway I am done ranting for today. Have a great day and Happy New Year!

Time just goes

2009-12-10T08:44:00.000-08:00

Wow is did not realize that I had not posted in so long. I started this blog to post about my journey and when it just went away I guess I just wanted to hide. Now after a month I am okay with what happened. I spoke to my OB a few times and she finally sent a letter. Of course she did not send me a copy of the letter so I am not sure if I am still under the bus and just flatter or she actually did what she said she was going to do.

I did not hear from the RE's office so I am going to guess it was not a great letter. Oh well I guess it is just time to find a new OB. Not just because of this, but the fact that we spoke and she was fine with me doing another journey and then she sold me out for whatever her reasons where? I am not sure if this is it for me. I had my heart set on doing this again, but if I am tainted then I should consider that it is the end of the road for me :( As sad as that makes me I am trying to stay positive :) Not really in my nature to be the upbeat Polliana type, but I really am working on see the good and not focusing on the bad and the what IF's. After 42 years it is difficult to change, but I am not giving up. See right there I am being positive. Baby steps Bridgett, baby steps.

Well on a lighter note and some happier news. The oldest DD has finish UCLA!!!! We are so excited for her. My DH and I are so very proud and a bit more flush now that we have one less tuition to pay for. The oldest DS will be graduating in May, 2010 so in just few short months we will have both older kids out of college! I still can't believe that I will have two kids who graduated college. I am so pleased.

On a more sour note my younger DD and I are still not quite seeing eye to eye. She has not resorted to telling me she is going to kill me and rid my eyes out. I think every third word is shut-up and the fourth work is F'er. She does not actually say the F word, but it is implied. I am really not sure what to do? She is just a mess and I am not sure why? I know that her father and I are not together anymore, but I collectively with my two parents have been through 4 divorces. My Dad has been married 4 times and I never and still don't call him and F'er. I am still praying that it will work out between us and someday we will have a relationship.

Anyway it in 15 short days it will be Christmas which is a wonderful time of year. I am happy that the kids are healthy and for the most part doing well. I will be glad to spend the time with family and friend.

2009-11-23T08:57:00.000-08:00

WHY! WHY! WHY! can I not put this issue of being terminated as a surrogate out of my head! I just want to put it behind me, but it is still nagging at me like a lingering cough after you are done with the cold. I spoke to my OB again and she promised she would call the RE and clear this up, but she still hasn't. I really don't want the IF's to think I mislead them in anyway. I know I didn't but still they have invested time and money in me and I turned out to be a dud for them.

I guess in the back of my mind I keep hoping I will get a call saying we can use you, but I know that is not going to happen. I am still unsure of what I should do? I really wanted to do this journey, but now I am kind of in limbo. I really just don't understand how the RE could let me transfer once if I was such a high risk? I JUST DON'T GET IT. Maybe I was just kidding myself that I could do this again. I know that other woman do it many time, but after 9 babies and 4 c/s I should just be grateful for what I have done. Yes I know easier said then done. I need to shut off my mind for a while. Hopefully soon I will find some peace with this situation.

So on a more positive note. This past Friday I got a call that Bon Jovi was performing on the tonight show. So I got to go there rehearsal. It was a lot of fun and so intimate. They only played two songs about 4 times each for they were getting ready for the show, but it was so amazing to be there so close and in the action. I have been a fan since the beginning so this was a big affair for me. I did not get to meet Jon Bon Jovi, but I was really close this time. I am sure at some point in my life I will get to meet the man, the myth, the ledgand :)

I hope you all have a wonderful week and a great Thankgiving. I know that I am thankful for so very much and I am truly blessed with my family, my job, my friends, having a home. I am so grateful each and everyday.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Followers

2009-11-16T10:28:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to say thank you to my two new followers. I am so excited to actually have somebody following my blog and not just be talking to myself anymore. Thank you Ginger and Christine :)

2009-11-16T10:08:00.000-08:00

Well I was right my OB did not give me her approval even through she did in March, 2009 and also the Perintologist did as well. This happened on Nov 10th and I got a termination letter from my IF's with the threat of sueing me for breech of contract? I was a mess on Wednesday. My agency did not call me, nor did the doctors office I just got a wonderful letter terminating my contract with my IF's.

I am finally feeling a little better for I spoke with my IF's and they were nice and I understand that they must do what is best for them in the persuit of having a family. I also talked to my OB and she is just worried about her liablity which is understandable. I talked to her for a while and let her know I went to the perintologist and I am aware of the risk. She then said well I can give you an approval if you know the risk! I guess it is just too little to late now :( I just don't want to be sued. Not sure why I would be sued when I did everything that was asked of me and I saw not one, but two RE's who gave me their approvals? I also had a failed transfer.

I think that the RE is looking for every reason why the transfer failed. Mine you only 2 of the embryos grow to 5 days and the rest stop growing at 2-3 days. Not one made it to freezing which struck me as odd. If they want to get a better surrogate then I really do wish them the best. I guess what really hurts it the way I found out and the attitude I got from my agency.

I was also so upset that I have only had 4 IP's and the 3 pervious IP's I have delivered a child or children to them. Not I am a failure :( I know stop with the pitty party, but it just really sucks. Also I need to take a good hard look at retiring. I am over 40, had 4 c/s and a total of 9 babies! I just really love being a surrogate and now that it really may be over I have to get used to that idea. I also wanted to retire on my own terms, but sometime you just don't get what you want :( Well as I am pondering my future as a surrogate I will try and distract my with the up coming holidays and all of the eating I am planning on doing :)

Have a great day!

2009-11-10T09:18:00.000-08:00

Well I have been a wreck since Friday. My RE's office called and said please have your OB call us. I was like why? They told me they needed her approval and the RE wanted to talk to her. I was okay that should not be a problem, but I already transferred with your office on Sept 30Th? I would have thought that all of the approvals would have been done already? My husband of course told me not to worry, but I just can't help myself. I just don't want my OB to suddenly come back and say "well she is old, and has had 4 c/s and this will be her 10Th baby!" You know sometimes when doctors get talking that things can go in other directions then you have been told.

I guess my biggest stress is if the IF's are told that I am not a good surrogate even through the RE told them I was great. I don't like to stress out, but I just can't help myself sometimes.

So I went to my first surrogate support meeting. Yes I know I have been a surrogate for the past eight years! I just haven't gone before due to the distance from my house to the meetings. Well I decided to finally just go and pray my car would make the long trip. Well my car did great and it took me just over 2 hours to get to the meeting. There were about 40 other surrogates there and we had a great time. There was a lot of food and dessert. I made cookies and an apple pie. I made the pie from scratch and it came out really good so I am going to have to make it again :)

Work is going well and it looks like the parent company will be selling us very soon. This will be the sixth owner in the 17 years I have been here. Change is generally for the best, but sometimes the unknown is scary. Not like I have the power to change who owns the company. I wish I had that kind of power, even if I just had the power to get my 16 year old daughter from stop being so nasty that would be a plus :)

Have a great week!

Gumby

2009-11-02T07:51:00.001-08:00

Halloween

2009-11-02T07:36:00.000-08:00

So we had a great time on Halloween :) It was so much fun and the haunted house came out so wonderful. My husband spent so much time putting it together and it really did scare people. It was so much fun to see kids too scared to walk up to the door to get candy. Even some of the adults were scared!

I was dressed as Gumby and it was great. I got high fives, and picture took pictures of me. It was just a good time. My youngest son dress up like Jason and would chase people down the street.

The kids that came to the house had some wonderful costumes on and it was just great to see them all. I really love Halloween it is just so great and such a good time :)

So now that Halloween is over it is time to really start thinking about Thanksgiving and then Christmas will be here before you know it!!! I am really for both, but the holidays just stress me out. There is just so much to do with the cooking, decorating, gift buying, and just trying to make sure that you include everybody. People are in such a rush this time a year that we tend to forget that the holidays are meant to be spent with family and friends. I know that is all works out in the end just trying to get through it with just a little more gray hair would be great.

So my lovely daughter just called me to tell me I am a horrible Mother. What else is new? If I had a dime for each time I heard that I could take a vacation to Europe. I just can't seem to make that kids happy, no matter what I do. She is made that her phone did not charge correctly and that I did not leave out lunch money. Mind you I got up at 3am to plug in her phone, and there is money in the jar on the kitchen counter that she can take. I know that she wants to go live with her Dad next year and she will be 17 so I have to just let her make her own decisions. It is not like I won't see her, but I just worry that her Dad just does not push her in the right direction. To any parents of a teenager it really is just one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with.

2009-10-26T07:50:00.000-07:00

Well I got some great news yesterday. The guys found a new proven donor!!!!! Yay!!!! I am so excited. This donor sounds great, 3 donations and 3 pregnancies. When I was a donor not to brag, but I was 5 for 5 on pregnancies so I am rooting for her. I never got a great deal of eggs, but I did have good quality eggs which is always good to hear :) . As a donor you want your recipient to get pregnant. It looks like they are finishing up the legal paperwork with the donor and then we will be good to go. I am really hoping we can get pregnant on the 2Nd transfer. It has never taken me more than 2 transfers to get pregnant. I don't want to disappoint the guys again. They want a baby and I want to make them parents.

Well Halloween is on Saturday and we are almost ready. My husband has done most of the work, but I have helped out a little bit. I am not the artistic so I get nervous when I have to create something with arty. I am working on the ghost that will be hanging from a motor. I will have my 12 year old son help me finish it up in the next day or two. We also have 7 pumpkins to crave which is always fun :) I will also be working for a bit at the caravel at the school my son goes to. I will be working the 7Th grade booth. It is so much fun to see all the kids dressed up in their customes. After I finish I will get on home and get dressed in my scary Gumby costume :)
I just know the house is going to look great on Saturday. HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

2009-10-19T14:04:00.000-07:00

Well here it is one weeks after my negative beta and AF showed her lovely face just to rub in the fact that I am really NOT pregnant on this transfer :( I was feeling better about things until AF showed up and then I got all emotional again about the failure of this cycle. I know that we are going to try again, but it is the not know when? I just start to get impatient and want to get moving. The guys are so great and I am sure they want to get moving just as much as I do.

As I started to diet after my negative beta and thought I would have lost a lb or two, but no I gained 2lbs :( I am not going to give up, but man was I upset at the scale this morning. I have been working out and eating only 1200 calories a day I thought maybe a 1lb or 2. Oh well I keep on working at it. The weight has to come off at some point, right? If it doesn't work I guess I could just keep eating until I gain enough weight for the lapband :)

We are getting ready for Halloween my most favorite of all of the holiday's. Is Halloween really a holiday or just an event? Either way it is my favorite. We are going to build a haunted house this year and it is going to be so much fun. I am dressing up as Gumby :) The costume is so cute. I am sure that Gumby does not sound scary, but what is I carry a big knife! I will try not to scare to many little kids :) It is going to be great fun.

I will have to post some pictures of the big event when it happens.

2009-10-14T11:27:00.001-07:00

Well it was confirmed. The beta was negative and so that ended any hope I had of getting a last minute hail Mary pass :( I know it is not the end of the world, but it is so crushing. As a surrogate this is what you want to do. You want to be pregnant and you want to give your IP's a baby. Nobody likes failed transfers even through they happen more times then anybody wants to mention :( I am still a bit down from the negative thing.

My husband has been so supportive and wonderful. He is like they IF's will try again don't worry. I was not sure for none of the embryos make it to freeze. The IF's have to find a new proven donor for out of 13 eggs only 2 of them made it to 5 days! Not a very good percentage.

So my IF's called me on beta day and they were so wonderful. They are we are not giving up we are going to try again. They spoke with the RE and they are looking for a new donor. The RE said that I was perfect. I am sure he meant as a surrogate, but it is always nice to hear that you do something well.

I am sure the IFs will find a donor soon and we will start again. I am glad that they are going to try again. They are just great guys and I really would like to make them parents.

2009-10-12T12:09:00.000-07:00

Well here it is beta day!!! I already went in first thing and had my blood drawn. It only took them 4 tries to get my blood. I am sure my right arm will be sore tomorrow :(

I am still not feeling a positive result, but I will wait until I throw in the towel completely. I know that it does not always work, but a girl can hope!

It is noon so I am hoping to hear from the doctor's office very soon. If it is negative I really would like to try and start to cycle again very soon. I know they have some embryos on ice which should make it a lot easier for I wouldn't have to sync up with the donor this time.

My weekend was nice. We were able to finally clean out my Grandmother's house for we had to move her into a home almost a year ago and we have been putting off cleaning her house. My Mom wants to rent her house so my Grandma can have the money for her care which is a great idea. After we finished cleaning we got to go to a near by casino :) It was a lot of fun for my Mom, Sister and I went just for a couple of hours. I did manage to hit a jackpot for $2500 which totally made my day. I gave my sister some money so we both walked away winners which I will take any day of the week!

Well hopefully soon I will hear about the beta.

2009-10-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

Why is this so difficult? I am having such a hard time with not getting a ++++++ so far. I have been searching the web high and low to see what the latest anybody got a positive with a 5dt transfer. So far 9 days seems to be a winner. I am just 7 today, but not feeling pregnant yet :(

I just felt like this morning when I took the test I didn't even blink and it came up negative. If seemed to come up so fast like I had my husband take the test! I guess I just want a glimmer of hope. I am still not giving up, but I am seriously having a pity party today. I need to get my head out of my ass for I have had a couple of negative transfers in the past and each time I beat myself up. I know that is does not always work on the first, second or even third try. The journey of a GS can be very frustrating. We so very much want everything to work out for the parents. We want to be a GS to help create families so anytime there is a bump in the road it is very difficult to deal with.

So tonight my husband and I are going to dinner for our 5 year anniversary. It is actually tomorrow, but we can't go tomorrow night so we are celebrating a day early!!!! I am excited about dinner for I know it is going to be great. Also I got an email from my FIM (former intended mother) She is the Mum of the twins. I am so glad to have met D and helped her and P have babies. They are great parents and good people. She always sends me videos and pictures of the twins and we have just become good friends even though they are in Australia I still feel a connection. It was so great to hear from D it made me feel a bit better.

Okay I am rambling today. Have a great day and hopeful I will get some unexpected great news soon.

2009-10-05T07:59:00.000-07:00

Well it is Monday! For better or worse the beginning for a new week. Of course I still driving myself crazy with the HPT testing and so far it is negative. Just having that stark white little square staring up and me is just so disheartening. It is like a blank sheet of paper looking at you when you know you have something to write. Of course I am not giving up hope for it has not even been a full 5 days since the transfer, but I have the patience of a 3 year old in a toy store. I WANT to see that beautiful +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ in that little white square!

My weekend was good other than the negative HPT's. Miss Mouth was at it again, but what else is new with that kids. She just knows more than me and is a better person than me. I know that someday this will be better, but for now it just sucks. I really want to have good relationship with my daughter, but for now I will have to settle for a good relationship with my sons.

I have some good things to look forward to this week. One being our fifth wedding anniversary on Oct 8Th. I am so excited. It is my husband's year to plan the evening for we trade off who plans the evenign. I know it is going to be great for my husband does a super job of finding places to go and L.A. has some fabulous restaurants and I love to eat so it is a win/win for me!

I am hoping that the next few days well bring some good news!!!!! Have a great Monday.

2009-10-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

Well here it is 2 days after my transfer and I already want to take a HPT. I know that it would be negative, but I just can't help myself. The transfer went really well for I was a bit worried for my cervix (can I say that would here) does not always cooperate. I got to look at the two embryos through the microscope and it was just amazing.

The IF's also sent the most amazing basket to the clinic so is was waiting for me. They are just the sweetest guys who are so generous and thoughtful. It was filled with bath stuff, a pillow, a beautiful robe, and a washcloth. The basket was huge so when I emptied it out is became a new favorite place for my cat to sleep in :)

I know that I will make myself crazy in the next two weeks and it cracks me up that I have done this before for each time I start to question everything. First is that cramp normal? Did I rest enough? I know that until Oct 12Th all of these questions and more will be racing through my mind. I will try my hardest to not stop and take an HPT every hour :)

I will have a bit of distraction this weekend for for I have to help my youngest son with his science project. He is building a cell which could not be better timing for somebody who wants these cells to keep growing inside of her for nine months!

2009-09-29T07:00:00.001-07:00

So tomorrow is the big day! I will be transferring for my wonderful IF's. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I really want this to work for my IF's. When you have been waiting so long you just want it to work the first time, but I know that it is not always the case. Transfers do not always work the first time, but I will be saying my prays that this one works.

I am trying to keep busy which work is helping me do, but I still am just giddy. My daughter is also helping me keep my mind off of things for she cried last night about wanting to get her hips pierced. I actually had to look this up! It is nasty they put safety pins or rods in your hips. (yuck) I am not against piercing, but what is the point of piercing you hips? Maybe I truly am old now :( I can understand a lot of things, but I see no value in piercing you hips. So I had to deal with Miss Mouth last night about how I was an idiot for not letting her do this. Geezzz maybe I should just give a bottle of vodka and the keys to my car as well! Kids what are you going to do?

2009-09-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

I got the final word to day from the clinic that my transfer will be on Sept 30, 2009. I can't believe after six months the day is almost here. I am so excited. I am even excited to be doing my shots again. I know that the excitement of doing the shots will get old soon so I will enjoy it while it last.

My husband will be taking me to the transfer and will look after me while I am on bed rest. It is nice to be taken care of once in a while. Being a Mom of 4 I am not often the one who gets to be taken care of. Generally I am the one running around like a chicken with my head cut off making sure that everything is all taken care. Also I get to have one of my favorite treat and that is Church's fried Chicken. It is so yummy and it is what I traditionally eat after a transfer. It has worked 3 times in the past so I don't want to change a thing. Not that I am surperstious or anything!

This weekend will be nice as well. On Saturday we will be celebrating 3 birthday's. My son who will be 22, my Dad, and my step-daughter who will be 22 as well. We are going out to a nice place and I can already feel my cheapness taking over me :( Of course it will be nice to spend time with the family.

A great day.

2009-09-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

Hi my name is Bridgett and I am a 3X Gestational Surrogate. I am currently working on my 4Th journey and after over 10 years of helping people create families I thought I would blog about my final journey. To my husband, "yes honey this is my final journey"

A little about me. I am married to a great guy, and the mother of 4 wonderful children, 3 or my own and one step-daughter who is mine which is what really matter. All of my kids names begin with the letter C, yes even my step-daughter's name begins with the letter C. Do you know how many people I had to date to find somebody who was great and also had a child that began with the letter C :)

I also work in the IT field and have worked at the same company for almost 17 years. I enjoy my job and I really like the people I work with.

Today was a great day for I finished up at the doctor's office and it looks like the transfer for the embryo's will be on Sept 29Th. I am so excited to be working with the greatest guys in the world. I really want to help them become father's.