Happy New Year

Wow it is already the New Year! 2010!!!!! How exciting. I always like to look at the beginning of the year as new beginnings that things that you thought could not get fixed can. That we don't have to carry with us the worries of last year and that going forward it is going to be great. Yes I like to do this for all of 5 minutes and then remember is is just a date and that things that happened last year or last night do not just go away just because we write a different year on our checks.

I am hoping that this is a great year. That this year I find great IP's to help and if I don't that I can be okay with the six surro babies that I helped to bring into the world. Also I am praying that my DD and I can start to have a better relationship. I am not sure why Mother and Daughters just can't get along in the teen years. Is is written somewhere for I did not get the memo. I really don't want to fight with my DD anymore. I want her to be happy and successful, but if I can't get through to her then how am I going to help?

I got to get away for a couple of days with my DH to Vegas which is always nice. It would have been a nicer trip if I had won, but you can't always comes home a winner for how would they keep building all of those casinos :)

I can't believe that in just a couple of months I will have two kids that have graduated college! Wow! it is still amazing to me that I am old enough to have kids in college let alone graduated.

Working is going well. We got sold again so I am not sure what is going to happen. I am hoping for the best and it means we get to do new and exciting things :) I like to learn new things and it is great when you are busy.

So I was wondering if this is just me of does this bother anybody else? Over the holidays somebody posted that a family was in need on our boards. They were going to have a rotten Christmas and they needed some help. Well me being the biggest bleeding heart you can ever imagine sent the kids some gifts. I did not expect anything in return, but I wanted to know if they got the gifts. I have sent a email asking if they receive the items and nothing. So I sent another email and nothing. REALLY you can not even take the time out to just send me a simple yes we go them. How hard can that be! Sorry this just makes me mad. I just want to know if you got what I sent. You don't have to thank me, you don't have to use what I send, but hey let me know!!!! Anyway I am done ranting for today. Have a great day and Happy New Year!

Time just goes

Wow is did not realize that I had not posted in so long. I started this blog to post about my journey and when it just went away I guess I just wanted to hide. Now after a month I am okay with what happened. I spoke to my OB a few times and she finally sent a letter. Of course she did not send me a copy of the letter so I am not sure if I am still under the bus and just flatter or she actually did what she said she was going to do.

I did not hear from the RE's office so I am going to guess it was not a great letter. Oh well I guess it is just time to find a new OB. Not just because of this, but the fact that we spoke and she was fine with me doing another journey and then she sold me out for whatever her reasons where? I am not sure if this is it for me. I had my heart set on doing this again, but if I am tainted then I should consider that it is the end of the road for me :( As sad as that makes me I am trying to stay positive :) Not really in my nature to be the upbeat Polliana type, but I really am working on see the good and not focusing on the bad and the what IF's. After 42 years it is difficult to change, but I am not giving up. See right there I am being positive. Baby steps Bridgett, baby steps.

Well on a lighter note and some happier news. The oldest DD has finish UCLA!!!! We are so excited for her. My DH and I are so very proud and a bit more flush now that we have one less tuition to pay for. The oldest DS will be graduating in May, 2010 so in just few short months we will have both older kids out of college! I still can't believe that I will have two kids who graduated college. I am so pleased.

On a more sour note my younger DD and I are still not quite seeing eye to eye. She has not resorted to telling me she is going to kill me and rid my eyes out. I think every third word is shut-up and the fourth work is F'er. She does not actually say the F word, but it is implied. I am really not sure what to do? She is just a mess and I am not sure why? I know that her father and I are not together anymore, but I collectively with my two parents have been through 4 divorces. My Dad has been married 4 times and I never and still don't call him and F'er. I am still praying that it will work out between us and someday we will have a relationship.

Anyway it in 15 short days it will be Christmas which is a wonderful time of year. I am happy that the kids are healthy and for the most part doing well. I will be glad to spend the time with family and friend.

WHY! WHY! WHY! can I not put this issue of being terminated as a surrogate out of my head! I just want to put it behind me, but it is still nagging at me like a lingering cough after you are done with the cold. I spoke to my OB again and she promised she would call the RE and clear this up, but she still hasn't. I really don't want the IF's to think I mislead them in anyway. I know I didn't but still they have invested time and money in me and I turned out to be a dud for them.

I guess in the back of my mind I keep hoping I will get a call saying we can use you, but I know that is not going to happen. I am still unsure of what I should do? I really wanted to do this journey, but now I am kind of in limbo. I really just don't understand how the RE could let me transfer once if I was such a high risk? I JUST DON'T GET IT. Maybe I was just kidding myself that I could do this again. I know that other woman do it many time, but after 9 babies and 4 c/s I should just be grateful for what I have done. Yes I know easier said then done. I need to shut off my mind for a while. Hopefully soon I will find some peace with this situation.

So on a more positive note. This past Friday I got a call that Bon Jovi was performing on the tonight show. So I got to go there rehearsal. It was a lot of fun and so intimate. They only played two songs about 4 times each for they were getting ready for the show, but it was so amazing to be there so close and in the action. I have been a fan since the beginning so this was a big affair for me. I did not get to meet Jon Bon Jovi, but I was really close this time. I am sure at some point in my life I will get to meet the man, the myth, the ledgand :)

I hope you all have a wonderful week and a great Thankgiving. I know that I am thankful for so very much and I am truly blessed with my family, my job, my friends, having a home. I am so grateful each and everyday.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Followers

I just wanted to say thank you to my two new followers. I am so excited to actually have somebody following my blog and not just be talking to myself anymore. Thank you Ginger and Christine :)

Well I was right my OB did not give me her approval even through she did in March, 2009 and also the Perintologist did as well. This happened on Nov 10th and I got a termination letter from my IF's with the threat of sueing me for breech of contract? I was a mess on Wednesday. My agency did not call me, nor did the doctors office I just got a wonderful letter terminating my contract with my IF's.

I am finally feeling a little better for I spoke with my IF's and they were nice and I understand that they must do what is best for them in the persuit of having a family. I also talked to my OB and she is just worried about her liablity which is understandable. I talked to her for a while and let her know I went to the perintologist and I am aware of the risk. She then said well I can give you an approval if you know the risk! I guess it is just too little to late now :( I just don't want to be sued. Not sure why I would be sued when I did everything that was asked of me and I saw not one, but two RE's who gave me their approvals? I also had a failed transfer.

I think that the RE is looking for every reason why the transfer failed. Mine you only 2 of the embryos grow to 5 days and the rest stop growing at 2-3 days. Not one made it to freezing which struck me as odd. If they want to get a better surrogate then I really do wish them the best. I guess what really hurts it the way I found out and the attitude I got from my agency.

I was also so upset that I have only had 4 IP's and the 3 pervious IP's I have delivered a child or children to them. Not I am a failure :( I know stop with the pitty party, but it just really sucks. Also I need to take a good hard look at retiring. I am over 40, had 4 c/s and a total of 9 babies! I just really love being a surrogate and now that it really may be over I have to get used to that idea. I also wanted to retire on my own terms, but sometime you just don't get what you want :( Well as I am pondering my future as a surrogate I will try and distract my with the up coming holidays and all of the eating I am planning on doing :)

Have a great day!

Well I have been a wreck since Friday. My RE's office called and said please have your OB call us. I was like why? They told me they needed her approval and the RE wanted to talk to her. I was okay that should not be a problem, but I already transferred with your office on Sept 30Th? I would have thought that all of the approvals would have been done already? My husband of course told me not to worry, but I just can't help myself. I just don't want my OB to suddenly come back and say "well she is old, and has had 4 c/s and this will be her 10Th baby!" You know sometimes when doctors get talking that things can go in other directions then you have been told.

I guess my biggest stress is if the IF's are told that I am not a good surrogate even through the RE told them I was great. I don't like to stress out, but I just can't help myself sometimes.

So I went to my first surrogate support meeting. Yes I know I have been a surrogate for the past eight years! I just haven't gone before due to the distance from my house to the meetings. Well I decided to finally just go and pray my car would make the long trip. Well my car did great and it took me just over 2 hours to get to the meeting. There were about 40 other surrogates there and we had a great time. There was a lot of food and dessert. I made cookies and an apple pie. I made the pie from scratch and it came out really good so I am going to have to make it again :)

Work is going well and it looks like the parent company will be selling us very soon. This will be the sixth owner in the 17 years I have been here. Change is generally for the best, but sometimes the unknown is scary. Not like I have the power to change who owns the company. I wish I had that kind of power, even if I just had the power to get my 16 year old daughter from stop being so nasty that would be a plus :)

Have a great week!

Gumby