Well this is it for me :( I got the email I was dreading. My IP's have decided to move on with the recommendation of the RE. The RE feels that my uterus is just to tilted and that every time I am on the stimulation medication it will be worse. I really just don't know how to feel for I know this is it for me. I told myself I would retire. Also this weekend was an eye opener with my DH.

My DH is just really not supportive of me being a surrogate anymore. He does not want to be the family at risk for all the things that can happen when you are pregnant. We have been through a lot and I have to respect his wishes. He has been there through all of my surrogacy and I can't ask him to do anymore than that. Also things with my DD have just gotten out of control.

My DD called the police on my DH and I and said that we were assaulting her? She was the one throwing shoes, toys, and her laundry hamper at me. My DH had to restrain her for she was coming at me to attack me. She ended up attacking my DH. She scratched him, kicked him, tried to punch him. It was just awful. I really don't know what the hell is wrong with my DD. She is so rude and disrespectful. The stuff that comes out of her mouth is just awful. I really don't think a child could hate her Mother more than my DD hates me.

The police came out and talked to all of us. They ended up taking DD to her Father's house and for now that is where she is going to stay. My EX has always put in her head that I am a monster so I will just have to live with the fact that my DD think that of me. I am too tired to fight with her about nothing. I really am the only one doing anything for her at all. I took her to all of her Driver's Ed classes and paid for it. I also enrolled her in summer school which she has to attend in order to graduate H.S. I also paid for that as well. I am tired of being the only one who cares :( It really does break my heart, but I know I am a good Mom and I know I am a good person and I deserve some respect and so does my DH. I am not sure what will happen between my DD and me? I am not sure I can forgive her right now for assaulting me. I still do value a child parent relationship and I know that she can not act this way.

I guess I am just venting for my heart is breaking. Not just about my DD, and surrogacy, but about my DH as well. All of this has put a strain on our marriage and I am not sure it can be repaired. I love my DH more than anything, but he is just not happy with me :( I always thought I was a good wife, but I guess I was missing the boat.

So let's see I have failed at being a surrogate the past two times, failed with my DD, and my marriage is struggling. Let's not forget that my Grandmother just died and I was still dealing with that. I know that this too shall pass and what does not kill you will make you stronger, but geeezzzzzzzzz does it have to happen all at once.

Well I finally feel good enough to post. I am so disappointed at what happen it just took the wind out of my sail. I was all set to transfer my perfect lining was waiting for those wonderful perfect embryos and wouldn't you know it my uterus was having some kind of temper tantrum and the Doctor could just not get the embryos in the place he wanted. I went in two days in a row to try to get the transfer to work. Nothing like having your legs in stir-ups for a couple of hours without any benefit :( Let me tell you it was rough and then I had to come out to the waiting room and see my IM crying. God did I feel even worse. Then of course I start to cry and our respective DH's just don't know what to do for us.

I hate disappointing people and I just don't understand why my uterus was no happy. The Doctor told me that it happen once in a while due the medication for it can make your uterus twist in a odd position. Mind you he was down in my bits and pieces telling me this information so it made it all so much better ;-)

Well on a positive note I finally got my AF and let me tell you she is dozie. So hopefully this means that we can start to cycle again real soon and get me knocked up so my IP's can have the family they are dreaming about. I am going to try acupuncture to see if it helps me with my uterus.

Not surrogacy related, but something that I am so proud of that I brag all the time about it. My DS graduated from college with a B.A in Political Science. I could not be more proud of that young man. He also got straight A's his last semester taking 18 units. WOW is all I can say.

I just know soon I will get pregnant I just need to be patient.

Well things having been going well with they cycle. My lining is a wonderful 12 triple striped which per the RE is excellent :)

I met my IP's this past week and they are truly lovely people. They took me to lunch and we just had a wonderful time. My IP's are in town for my IM is doing her ER and they got 4 eggs. I know this sounds like a little, but it only takes one! At this point I am just waiting to hear when my transfer date will be. I am really hoping for Friday the 21st of May for it would be perfect for a wonderful 3 days of bed rest that will follow the transfer. I am hoping to get spoiled a bit by my DH for I really could use a break.

My DD has been better and then this weekend she just snapped again. I think it has to do with her father getting remarried, but I just don't know. I was hoping by almost 17 she would be done with all of these temper tantrums. It is so hard to get close to somebody that calls you names and treats you like dirt and this is my daughter I am talking about.

On a prouder note my oldest DS is graduating from college tomorrow. I am so excited and for him. He has made me so very proud and I just know that he will do great things in his life. A Mother could not ask for a better son.

Well wish me luck on my transfer. I am hoping to get a BFP before the end of MAY.

Well the contracts are done! I have started Lupron so we are on our way :) I am so excited about getting started. At times it seems so far off, but I know that in just a few short weeks I will be transferring again. A transfer is the beginning of so many possibilities. it is an exciting, yet anxious time for everybody. Are we are are we not pregnant. I truly am hoping to get a BFP on this transfer. The RE that we are using is one that has gotten me pregnant 2 times in the past so I am very hopeful.

The IP's will be flying out from Australia next week so hopefully in a couple of weeks we can get together and meet face to face. We have spoken over the phone and emailed each other so it will be nice to put a face to the name.

I should be transferring between May 20-25th. I would like it to be May 20th, but of course I don't have any say in that!

Almost

So I finally got a copy of my contract! YAY!!!!! My DH and I need to review it with the attorney, but it look pretty good so I don't think there will be too much of an issue.

I have a Doctor appt. on the the 21st of April to see how things are and if all is good I will start Lupron. I am getting very excited about starting again. Each time is just feels like so many things are possible. I really want to help this wonderful couple have a child or two. They have been so very nice and I know they are anxious to get started as I am. I also can't wait to meet them when we do the transfer. They are Australian but will be here for the transfer. It will be so nice to have them around. Sometimes when people are far away you don't get to see them that often. Not that is makes the journey less special, but it is nice to be able to talk face to face.

So on the home front things are going well. My oldest DS will be graduating College on May 19, 2010 and I am so excited. It just seems like yesterday he graduated H.S. and now college. It is so amazing to get to watch your kids grow and become adults. Sometimes is it painful, but for the most part it is worth every second and struggle being a parent.

My DD and I are getting along better and her living at her father's seems to be working out. I am upset that I keep getting blamed for everything. My Ex is getting remarried which is great, but the kids are having a hard time with it for they barely know this woman and she has kids. I know that it will be fine, but every time they don't like something it is my fault. I have board shoulders, but geezz can't I get a break. Oh well I guess that which does not kill you will make you stronger.

Well I am just not much of a blogger. I want to be better, but I have TSOS. What is TSOS you ask? Well it is The Shiny Object Syndrome. If we can have Restless Leg Syndrome then why not Shiny Object Syndrome :) So as I was saying I get distracted easily and I have the best intention to post, but I just don't. So I am going to do better with my posting for I really want a record of my journey. This will be my last surrogacy (I mean it honey) so I want to make sure I enjoy every moment that I can.

On the surrogacy front I am supposed to be starting BCP on Sunday if my AF shows up on time. I am so not looking forward to going on BCP for at best BCP and I have an adversarial relationship. I of course will take them, but so not looking forward to it. I am them supposed to start injections on April 21, but so far I do not have a contract and without that nothing can happen. I am sure I will have a contract soon, but of course I have the patience of a 3 year old at a candy store. So I sit and wait each day hoping that the attorney will get in contact with me soon. I only have so much hair to pull out.

On the home front things are going well. My oldest DS will be graduating college in less than 2 months. I am just so very proud of that kid! My DD and I are getting along better. She has been hanging out at the house more and she is really trying or doing a good job of faking it. Either way I am fine with her behavior. My youngest DS is doing well and finally went out for a team sport. He is playing volleyball and he really did a great job at his game yesterday. I was just so proud to see him doing so well. The oldest DD who graduated from college 4 months ago still does not have a real job. She is looking for a job per her, but I have the feeling she is looking as hard as my abs are after nine babies.

I thought my DH was going to stroke out when DD said she wanted to be a river raft guide this summer. He went on a rant about why did we pay all this money for college and is this what you want to do with you life. DH is right, but it was still fun to watch how mad he could get ;-)

Wow I can't believe it is already the middle of March!!!! I know it I say it all the time, but where does the time go?

So I believe I have been matched!!! I am so excited and looking forward to what this journey will bring. I do wish that my DH was more supportive of me being a GS again, but I know he has his reasons. I wish I could explain what being a surrogate means to me in words that he would understand. It is so hard to explain to somebody who just does not know why a surrogate does what we do. My DH has been wonderful through my other journey's so I can't complain. He is a wonderful man who will not stop me, but having his full support means would mean the world to me. Also I think that I have been fairly reasonable with the surrogacy's for I did not do them back to back and it has been almost three years since I have been pregnant.

I also know that he does not believe this will be my last journey. I am not sure how to convince him that it truly is the last time I will be a surrogate. In life you know when you are ready to move onto to something new and I know after this journey I will be ready to move onto the next phase of my life. I personally know that I want to get a tummy tuck and start to travel more.

I love being a surrogate and am looking forward to this journey, but know that I can't and don't want to do this forever.

Okay enough of my whining. My DD went to live with her father and things have been a lot better around the house. I still see her quite a bit, but for the most part she is at her Dad's. She is also doing better in school and is working hard. If living with her Dad is bring out the best in her then I am all supportive. I want my DD to be happy and successful. She is a good person I just need her to see that for herself.