Time just goes

Wow is did not realize that I had not posted in so long. I started this blog to post about my journey and when it just went away I guess I just wanted to hide. Now after a month I am okay with what happened. I spoke to my OB a few times and she finally sent a letter. Of course she did not send me a copy of the letter so I am not sure if I am still under the bus and just flatter or she actually did what she said she was going to do.

I did not hear from the RE's office so I am going to guess it was not a great letter. Oh well I guess it is just time to find a new OB. Not just because of this, but the fact that we spoke and she was fine with me doing another journey and then she sold me out for whatever her reasons where? I am not sure if this is it for me. I had my heart set on doing this again, but if I am tainted then I should consider that it is the end of the road for me :( As sad as that makes me I am trying to stay positive :) Not really in my nature to be the upbeat Polliana type, but I really am working on see the good and not focusing on the bad and the what IF's. After 42 years it is difficult to change, but I am not giving up. See right there I am being positive. Baby steps Bridgett, baby steps.

Well on a lighter note and some happier news. The oldest DD has finish UCLA!!!! We are so excited for her. My DH and I are so very proud and a bit more flush now that we have one less tuition to pay for. The oldest DS will be graduating in May, 2010 so in just few short months we will have both older kids out of college! I still can't believe that I will have two kids who graduated college. I am so pleased.

On a more sour note my younger DD and I are still not quite seeing eye to eye. She has not resorted to telling me she is going to kill me and rid my eyes out. I think every third word is shut-up and the fourth work is F'er. She does not actually say the F word, but it is implied. I am really not sure what to do? She is just a mess and I am not sure why? I know that her father and I are not together anymore, but I collectively with my two parents have been through 4 divorces. My Dad has been married 4 times and I never and still don't call him and F'er. I am still praying that it will work out between us and someday we will have a relationship.

Anyway it in 15 short days it will be Christmas which is a wonderful time of year. I am happy that the kids are healthy and for the most part doing well. I will be glad to spend the time with family and friend.

WHY! WHY! WHY! can I not put this issue of being terminated as a surrogate out of my head! I just want to put it behind me, but it is still nagging at me like a lingering cough after you are done with the cold. I spoke to my OB again and she promised she would call the RE and clear this up, but she still hasn't. I really don't want the IF's to think I mislead them in anyway. I know I didn't but still they have invested time and money in me and I turned out to be a dud for them.

I guess in the back of my mind I keep hoping I will get a call saying we can use you, but I know that is not going to happen. I am still unsure of what I should do? I really wanted to do this journey, but now I am kind of in limbo. I really just don't understand how the RE could let me transfer once if I was such a high risk? I JUST DON'T GET IT. Maybe I was just kidding myself that I could do this again. I know that other woman do it many time, but after 9 babies and 4 c/s I should just be grateful for what I have done. Yes I know easier said then done. I need to shut off my mind for a while. Hopefully soon I will find some peace with this situation.

So on a more positive note. This past Friday I got a call that Bon Jovi was performing on the tonight show. So I got to go there rehearsal. It was a lot of fun and so intimate. They only played two songs about 4 times each for they were getting ready for the show, but it was so amazing to be there so close and in the action. I have been a fan since the beginning so this was a big affair for me. I did not get to meet Jon Bon Jovi, but I was really close this time. I am sure at some point in my life I will get to meet the man, the myth, the ledgand :)

I hope you all have a wonderful week and a great Thankgiving. I know that I am thankful for so very much and I am truly blessed with my family, my job, my friends, having a home. I am so grateful each and everyday.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Followers

I just wanted to say thank you to my two new followers. I am so excited to actually have somebody following my blog and not just be talking to myself anymore. Thank you Ginger and Christine :)

Well I was right my OB did not give me her approval even through she did in March, 2009 and also the Perintologist did as well. This happened on Nov 10th and I got a termination letter from my IF's with the threat of sueing me for breech of contract? I was a mess on Wednesday. My agency did not call me, nor did the doctors office I just got a wonderful letter terminating my contract with my IF's.

I am finally feeling a little better for I spoke with my IF's and they were nice and I understand that they must do what is best for them in the persuit of having a family. I also talked to my OB and she is just worried about her liablity which is understandable. I talked to her for a while and let her know I went to the perintologist and I am aware of the risk. She then said well I can give you an approval if you know the risk! I guess it is just too little to late now :( I just don't want to be sued. Not sure why I would be sued when I did everything that was asked of me and I saw not one, but two RE's who gave me their approvals? I also had a failed transfer.

I think that the RE is looking for every reason why the transfer failed. Mine you only 2 of the embryos grow to 5 days and the rest stop growing at 2-3 days. Not one made it to freezing which struck me as odd. If they want to get a better surrogate then I really do wish them the best. I guess what really hurts it the way I found out and the attitude I got from my agency.

I was also so upset that I have only had 4 IP's and the 3 pervious IP's I have delivered a child or children to them. Not I am a failure :( I know stop with the pitty party, but it just really sucks. Also I need to take a good hard look at retiring. I am over 40, had 4 c/s and a total of 9 babies! I just really love being a surrogate and now that it really may be over I have to get used to that idea. I also wanted to retire on my own terms, but sometime you just don't get what you want :( Well as I am pondering my future as a surrogate I will try and distract my with the up coming holidays and all of the eating I am planning on doing :)

Have a great day!

Well I have been a wreck since Friday. My RE's office called and said please have your OB call us. I was like why? They told me they needed her approval and the RE wanted to talk to her. I was okay that should not be a problem, but I already transferred with your office on Sept 30Th? I would have thought that all of the approvals would have been done already? My husband of course told me not to worry, but I just can't help myself. I just don't want my OB to suddenly come back and say "well she is old, and has had 4 c/s and this will be her 10Th baby!" You know sometimes when doctors get talking that things can go in other directions then you have been told.

I guess my biggest stress is if the IF's are told that I am not a good surrogate even through the RE told them I was great. I don't like to stress out, but I just can't help myself sometimes.

So I went to my first surrogate support meeting. Yes I know I have been a surrogate for the past eight years! I just haven't gone before due to the distance from my house to the meetings. Well I decided to finally just go and pray my car would make the long trip. Well my car did great and it took me just over 2 hours to get to the meeting. There were about 40 other surrogates there and we had a great time. There was a lot of food and dessert. I made cookies and an apple pie. I made the pie from scratch and it came out really good so I am going to have to make it again :)

Work is going well and it looks like the parent company will be selling us very soon. This will be the sixth owner in the 17 years I have been here. Change is generally for the best, but sometimes the unknown is scary. Not like I have the power to change who owns the company. I wish I had that kind of power, even if I just had the power to get my 16 year old daughter from stop being so nasty that would be a plus :)

Have a great week!

Gumby

Halloween

So we had a great time on Halloween :) It was so much fun and the haunted house came out so wonderful. My husband spent so much time putting it together and it really did scare people. It was so much fun to see kids too scared to walk up to the door to get candy. Even some of the adults were scared!

I was dressed as Gumby and it was great. I got high fives, and picture took pictures of me. It was just a good time. My youngest son dress up like Jason and would chase people down the street.

The kids that came to the house had some wonderful costumes on and it was just great to see them all. I really love Halloween it is just so great and such a good time :)

So now that Halloween is over it is time to really start thinking about Thanksgiving and then Christmas will be here before you know it!!! I am really for both, but the holidays just stress me out. There is just so much to do with the cooking, decorating, gift buying, and just trying to make sure that you include everybody. People are in such a rush this time a year that we tend to forget that the holidays are meant to be spent with family and friends. I know that is all works out in the end just trying to get through it with just a little more gray hair would be great.

So my lovely daughter just called me to tell me I am a horrible Mother. What else is new? If I had a dime for each time I heard that I could take a vacation to Europe. I just can't seem to make that kids happy, no matter what I do. She is made that her phone did not charge correctly and that I did not leave out lunch money. Mind you I got up at 3am to plug in her phone, and there is money in the jar on the kitchen counter that she can take. I know that she wants to go live with her Dad next year and she will be 17 so I have to just let her make her own decisions. It is not like I won't see her, but I just worry that her Dad just does not push her in the right direction. To any parents of a teenager it really is just one of the most difficult things I have had to deal with.

Well I got some great news yesterday. The guys found a new proven donor!!!!! Yay!!!! I am so excited. This donor sounds great, 3 donations and 3 pregnancies. When I was a donor not to brag, but I was 5 for 5 on pregnancies so I am rooting for her. I never got a great deal of eggs, but I did have good quality eggs which is always good to hear :) . As a donor you want your recipient to get pregnant. It looks like they are finishing up the legal paperwork with the donor and then we will be good to go. I am really hoping we can get pregnant on the 2Nd transfer. It has never taken me more than 2 transfers to get pregnant. I don't want to disappoint the guys again. They want a baby and I want to make them parents.

Well Halloween is on Saturday and we are almost ready. My husband has done most of the work, but I have helped out a little bit. I am not the artistic so I get nervous when I have to create something with arty. I am working on the ghost that will be hanging from a motor. I will have my 12 year old son help me finish it up in the next day or two. We also have 7 pumpkins to crave which is always fun :) I will also be working for a bit at the caravel at the school my son goes to. I will be working the 7Th grade booth. It is so much fun to see all the kids dressed up in their customes. After I finish I will get on home and get dressed in my scary Gumby costume :)
I just know the house is going to look great on Saturday. HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

Well here it is one weeks after my negative beta and AF showed her lovely face just to rub in the fact that I am really NOT pregnant on this transfer :( I was feeling better about things until AF showed up and then I got all emotional again about the failure of this cycle. I know that we are going to try again, but it is the not know when? I just start to get impatient and want to get moving. The guys are so great and I am sure they want to get moving just as much as I do.

As I started to diet after my negative beta and thought I would have lost a lb or two, but no I gained 2lbs :( I am not going to give up, but man was I upset at the scale this morning. I have been working out and eating only 1200 calories a day I thought maybe a 1lb or 2. Oh well I keep on working at it. The weight has to come off at some point, right? If it doesn't work I guess I could just keep eating until I gain enough weight for the lapband :)

We are getting ready for Halloween my most favorite of all of the holiday's. Is Halloween really a holiday or just an event? Either way it is my favorite. We are going to build a haunted house this year and it is going to be so much fun. I am dressing up as Gumby :) The costume is so cute. I am sure that Gumby does not sound scary, but what is I carry a big knife! I will try not to scare to many little kids :) It is going to be great fun.

I will have to post some pictures of the big event when it happens.

Well it was confirmed. The beta was negative and so that ended any hope I had of getting a last minute hail Mary pass :( I know it is not the end of the world, but it is so crushing. As a surrogate this is what you want to do. You want to be pregnant and you want to give your IP's a baby. Nobody likes failed transfers even through they happen more times then anybody wants to mention :( I am still a bit down from the negative thing.

My husband has been so supportive and wonderful. He is like they IF's will try again don't worry. I was not sure for none of the embryos make it to freeze. The IF's have to find a new proven donor for out of 13 eggs only 2 of them made it to 5 days! Not a very good percentage.

So my IF's called me on beta day and they were so wonderful. They are we are not giving up we are going to try again. They spoke with the RE and they are looking for a new donor. The RE said that I was perfect. I am sure he meant as a surrogate, but it is always nice to hear that you do something well.

I am sure the IFs will find a donor soon and we will start again. I am glad that they are going to try again. They are just great guys and I really would like to make them parents.

Well here it is beta day!!! I already went in first thing and had my blood drawn. It only took them 4 tries to get my blood. I am sure my right arm will be sore tomorrow :(

I am still not feeling a positive result, but I will wait until I throw in the towel completely. I know that it does not always work, but a girl can hope!

It is noon so I am hoping to hear from the doctor's office very soon. If it is negative I really would like to try and start to cycle again very soon. I know they have some embryos on ice which should make it a lot easier for I wouldn't have to sync up with the donor this time.

My weekend was nice. We were able to finally clean out my Grandmother's house for we had to move her into a home almost a year ago and we have been putting off cleaning her house. My Mom wants to rent her house so my Grandma can have the money for her care which is a great idea. After we finished cleaning we got to go to a near by casino :) It was a lot of fun for my Mom, Sister and I went just for a couple of hours. I did manage to hit a jackpot for $2500 which totally made my day. I gave my sister some money so we both walked away winners which I will take any day of the week!

Well hopefully soon I will hear about the beta.

Why is this so difficult? I am having such a hard time with not getting a ++++++ so far. I have been searching the web high and low to see what the latest anybody got a positive with a 5dt transfer. So far 9 days seems to be a winner. I am just 7 today, but not feeling pregnant yet :(

I just felt like this morning when I took the test I didn't even blink and it came up negative. If seemed to come up so fast like I had my husband take the test! I guess I just want a glimmer of hope. I am still not giving up, but I am seriously having a pity party today. I need to get my head out of my ass for I have had a couple of negative transfers in the past and each time I beat myself up. I know that is does not always work on the first, second or even third try. The journey of a GS can be very frustrating. We so very much want everything to work out for the parents. We want to be a GS to help create families so anytime there is a bump in the road it is very difficult to deal with.

So tonight my husband and I are going to dinner for our 5 year anniversary. It is actually tomorrow, but we can't go tomorrow night so we are celebrating a day early!!!! I am excited about dinner for I know it is going to be great. Also I got an email from my FIM (former intended mother) She is the Mum of the twins. I am so glad to have met D and helped her and P have babies. They are great parents and good people. She always sends me videos and pictures of the twins and we have just become good friends even though they are in Australia I still feel a connection. It was so great to hear from D it made me feel a bit better.

Okay I am rambling today. Have a great day and hopeful I will get some unexpected great news soon.

Well it is Monday! For better or worse the beginning for a new week. Of course I still driving myself crazy with the HPT testing and so far it is negative. Just having that stark white little square staring up and me is just so disheartening. It is like a blank sheet of paper looking at you when you know you have something to write. Of course I am not giving up hope for it has not even been a full 5 days since the transfer, but I have the patience of a 3 year old in a toy store. I WANT to see that beautiful +++++++++++++++++++++++++++ in that little white square!

My weekend was good other than the negative HPT's. Miss Mouth was at it again, but what else is new with that kids. She just knows more than me and is a better person than me. I know that someday this will be better, but for now it just sucks. I really want to have good relationship with my daughter, but for now I will have to settle for a good relationship with my sons.

I have some good things to look forward to this week. One being our fifth wedding anniversary on Oct 8Th. I am so excited. It is my husband's year to plan the evening for we trade off who plans the evenign. I know it is going to be great for my husband does a super job of finding places to go and L.A. has some fabulous restaurants and I love to eat so it is a win/win for me!

I am hoping that the next few days well bring some good news!!!!! Have a great Monday.

Well here it is 2 days after my transfer and I already want to take a HPT. I know that it would be negative, but I just can't help myself. The transfer went really well for I was a bit worried for my cervix (can I say that would here) does not always cooperate. I got to look at the two embryos through the microscope and it was just amazing.

The IF's also sent the most amazing basket to the clinic so is was waiting for me. They are just the sweetest guys who are so generous and thoughtful. It was filled with bath stuff, a pillow, a beautiful robe, and a washcloth. The basket was huge so when I emptied it out is became a new favorite place for my cat to sleep in :)

I know that I will make myself crazy in the next two weeks and it cracks me up that I have done this before for each time I start to question everything. First is that cramp normal? Did I rest enough? I know that until Oct 12Th all of these questions and more will be racing through my mind. I will try my hardest to not stop and take an HPT every hour :)

I will have a bit of distraction this weekend for for I have to help my youngest son with his science project. He is building a cell which could not be better timing for somebody who wants these cells to keep growing inside of her for nine months!

So tomorrow is the big day! I will be transferring for my wonderful IF's. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I really want this to work for my IF's. When you have been waiting so long you just want it to work the first time, but I know that it is not always the case. Transfers do not always work the first time, but I will be saying my prays that this one works.

I am trying to keep busy which work is helping me do, but I still am just giddy. My daughter is also helping me keep my mind off of things for she cried last night about wanting to get her hips pierced. I actually had to look this up! It is nasty they put safety pins or rods in your hips. (yuck) I am not against piercing, but what is the point of piercing you hips? Maybe I truly am old now :( I can understand a lot of things, but I see no value in piercing you hips. So I had to deal with Miss Mouth last night about how I was an idiot for not letting her do this. Geezzz maybe I should just give a bottle of vodka and the keys to my car as well! Kids what are you going to do?

I got the final word to day from the clinic that my transfer will be on Sept 30, 2009. I can't believe after six months the day is almost here. I am so excited. I am even excited to be doing my shots again. I know that the excitement of doing the shots will get old soon so I will enjoy it while it last.

My husband will be taking me to the transfer and will look after me while I am on bed rest. It is nice to be taken care of once in a while. Being a Mom of 4 I am not often the one who gets to be taken care of. Generally I am the one running around like a chicken with my head cut off making sure that everything is all taken care. Also I get to have one of my favorite treat and that is Church's fried Chicken. It is so yummy and it is what I traditionally eat after a transfer. It has worked 3 times in the past so I don't want to change a thing. Not that I am surperstious or anything!

This weekend will be nice as well. On Saturday we will be celebrating 3 birthday's. My son who will be 22, my Dad, and my step-daughter who will be 22 as well. We are going out to a nice place and I can already feel my cheapness taking over me :( Of course it will be nice to spend time with the family.

A great day.

Hi my name is Bridgett and I am a 3X Gestational Surrogate. I am currently working on my 4Th journey and after over 10 years of helping people create families I thought I would blog about my final journey. To my husband, "yes honey this is my final journey"

A little about me. I am married to a great guy, and the mother of 4 wonderful children, 3 or my own and one step-daughter who is mine which is what really matter. All of my kids names begin with the letter C, yes even my step-daughter's name begins with the letter C. Do you know how many people I had to date to find somebody who was great and also had a child that began with the letter C :)

I also work in the IT field and have worked at the same company for almost 17 years. I enjoy my job and I really like the people I work with.

Today was a great day for I finished up at the doctor's office and it looks like the transfer for the embryo's will be on Sept 29Th. I am so excited to be working with the greatest guys in the world. I really want to help them become father's.